# DRIVING MISS MUNI

## by Bram Noidz

Your boy Bram gets into a lot of arguments with people about transportation. You know this guy loves talking about getting from Point A to Point B. In fact these days I rarely care about where Point A and Point B are even located, especially since we're talking about coordinates in Meatspace after all. If the Internet is collectively known as the Information Superhighway, what does that make actual highways? Just lame informationless substandard highways I guess.

I'll be the first to admit: I use The Bus sometimes. Every once in a while, I gotta go somewhere, and it happens to line up with a MUNI route. What can I say? I can't always be scooting around on my Cyberwheel. Sometimes it needs charging, and I need some quality smartphone time.

The other day it occurred to me what an obscene, extravagant luxury The Bus actually is. Despite this, a lot of my friends tell me that its supposedly an economical way to get around. Are you kidding me? You're literally being driven around in a stretch limousine with a chauffeur. It's even fancier than those ROBOTAXIS that are driving around because you get the upscale human touch. When your chauffeur is blasting the horn at the crossing bicyclist, you know it's coming from the heart.

"But it's cheap," you might be thinking. Give me a break. You don't think Bram's done his Deep Research on this one? While the sticker price on the fare might only be $2.75, Uncle Sam is subsidizing a vast majority of the total cost, which is actually about $13.25 per ride. MUNI only recovers about 17% of operating expenses from fare revenue. The rest has gotta come from somewhere! And those silly little Cable Cars cost even more to run, but we like how kitschy and quaint they are even though their brakes are made out of wood and look retarded.

So the next time you're trying to get somewhere in The City, go ahead and splurge and take The Bus. Your Luxury Limousine is just one stop away.